The Lusty Vegan: Oh Crap, It’s Cuffin’ Season

By Zoe Eisenberg

Ever noticed how everyone seems to couple up for the winter? Somewhere in between the first leaves falling and those guys in Santa suits ringing bells outside Stop and Shop, people start to pair off and crawl into their designated dens for the season. I know I’m not crazy. This is a real phenomenon; winter is a time for relationships. John Mayer wrote a song about it, and he is from the same county as me, so he knows how damn cold it gets here. Even your skankiest—er, craziest—friend seems to settle down come Christmas, which is why this time of year has been dubbed “cuffin’ season.” Don’t believe me? Check Urban Dictionary. If that isn’t legit proof than I don’t know what is. Cuffin’, as in “hand-cuffed” as in “tied down” as in “chained!”

So what is it about the winter weather that makes everyone make their romance Facebook official and crawl into bed to bone away December, January and February? I have a few hypotheses:

1) It’s Too Damned Cold to Dress Like A Ho. Stumbling home from the bar with some random man-meat on your arm just isn’t as fun when it’s -10 degrees outside (I live in New England). So, if you want to be guaranteed at least semi-regular nookie (yeah, I said nookie, take that Limp Bizkit!) then you better find yourself a main squeeze because bar-going slows when it’s sleeting outside.

2) Brrrr, I’m Lonely. Unless you’re one of those “outdoorsy” weirdos who wants to spend all of their time skiing, you spend more time inside in the winter, and everyone knows prolonged time indoors makes you lonely. Movie marathons (and sex) and hot tea (and sex) and foot rubs (and sex) are way more fun with a friend. Really, when it is cold out, I would much rather spend all my time in bed. Preferably with a naked man. Or woman! Don’t judge a book by its…genitalia.

3) Holiday Time Sucks Solo. The holidays are more appealing with a significant other, because you have someone to buy you gifts. Plus, you have someone to bring home to your insane family to divert the rapid-fire questions away from yourself, in hopes they will finally stop accusing you of being emotionally unstable, and so your mother won’t get all weepy and start talking about how, at the rate you’re going, she’ll “never live long enough to see her grandkids.”  Also, holidays are all about giving thanks and spending time with loved ones and that cheesy crap, and it’s nice to have someone to do all that romancey jank with, too. I like to cuddle. Eskimo kisses are my jam.

squeeee!

4) Lots of Photo Opps. Summer is the time for the beach and bar crawls with your girls/guys. Having a snow ball fight, going sledding, decorating a tree (or lighting a menorah! I am part Jew!), building a snowman, nuzzling under mistletoe or trying on ridiculous hats is just not as fun with your platonic friends. Nothing says “I love you” like a face full of snow.

Off with their heads!

5) Your Friends are Doing It. (Literally.) Not that I am one to follow trends just because, but if all of your friends are busy getting naked with one another, then what are you supposed to do with your free time? There just aren’t enough AA batteries in the Tri-state area to stave off my loneliness for an entire season while my friends are off cuffin’ with each other’s muffins.

So, are you pro or anti-cuffin’ season? I smell a great new dating site! “CuffSeason.com–Find your Winter F*ck.” I mean romance. Find your winter romance!

The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at www.sexytofu.com. Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog.