"I'm sorry in advance that you don't fit on the floating door at the end..."
by Zoe Eisenberg
Lately I have been musing over what it means to be “romantic.” To me, a romantic action is a gesture that displays affection, but it should be organic and innovative. If it isn’t organic, it may seem forced or stale, which is pretty much the anti-romance. But the actual word romance is synonymous for unrealistic; that speaks all on its own. Often, our views of what romance should be are unrealistic, which is why we tend to be disappointed when they don’t pan out. We see all these grand gestures in movies, and they sort of ruin it. In movies, the credits start rolling after that I-Can’t-Live-Without-You speech. In real life, we spend a lot more time with our significant others sitting on a couch in our sweats than making love by candlelight.
While romance may come naturally to some, for most, it’s easy to make a romantic flop. If you try too hard, a well-thought out gesture can come off as fake or worse, cheesy. Or, if you do something that doesn’t go with the personality of your partner, you can end up offending. For instance, I would be humiliated by a large-scale public display of affection, like being proposed to at a baseball game. If I was dating someone who pulled a stunt like that, to me it would say they don’t know me. Also, I would never ever be at a baseball game, but whatever, a concert. You get what I mean.
Additionally, not everyone is romantic. You can be a total sweetheart, and it doesn’t mean you’re romantic. Likewise, you can be a complete asshat, and romance may roll off you like water on an oily skillet—you’re just beading with flowery prose and candles and crap.
You can be in a romantic situation with someone who isn’t romantic, and it won’t be romantic. After I graduated college, my dad and step-mom took me and my then-boyfriend on a cruise. One night, my guy and I were strolling around the deck. There were stars out. There was music playing. We were all alone (with 5,000 other people) on the open sea, dammit. I should have been standing at the bow of the boat hallucinating about flying or searching for an empty car to steam up. But it wasn’t romantic. My guy was a complete angel, and loving, and thoughtful, but we weren’t a romantic couple. At one point, as we leaned over the water, I looked down onto a lower deck to see my dad and his wife making out in the moonlight. They were being romantic. We were probably talking about the proper way to toast sesame seeds. (Dry pan, medium heat). He was a great guy, and we always had fun together, but I’ve had more romantic times freezing my tush off on a fire escape in Brooklyn in the dead of winter.
That being said, here are a few tips for the novice romantic. And may I remind you that women can be romantic, too?
1. Add an element of surprise. Surprises are always a great first step to romance. They show that you had to think about what you were doing, and involve planning. But whatever you do, don’t pull the “I’ve got a surprise for you…” card. That just milks it, and makes it more about the giver than the receiver, as the receiver has to beg for what was ultimately supposed to be a selfless gift in the first place.
2. Go out of your way. Tons of things can be romantic. An activity, a gift, or an “I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you” phone call or surprise visit. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s something you put effort into. “I got you this Groupon for a massage because it came into my inbox and I knew you were mad at me for blowing you off last night,” does not speak romance. It speaks “I’m lazy.”
3. Make it personal. A dozen roses has been done. Do something your partner would really appreciate. I know I just said my ex wasn’t romantic, but would I be a true stereotypical woman if I didn’t change my mind all the time? One Valentine’s day (ugh, Valentine’s day!) he tried to make me vegan chocolate mousse. He put it in a cooler in the trunk of his car and surprised me with it after dinner. He wasn’t a vegan, so it was sweet he went out of his way to make it me-friendly. The mousse didn’t set and ended up more like chocolate milk. But the idea of him fretting in his grungy college-house kitchen over vegan chocolate mousse (surrounded by 5 of his room-mates probably giving him crap about being whipped) was adorable, and it was a romantic gesture.
4. Plan it, but not too much. Have a general idea of what you want to do/say, but don’t script it. You don’t want to come off all stiff and Colin Firthy or act like you’re reading lines. There is nothing more swoon inducing then endearing spontaneity. But not TOO much spontaneity—remember Tom Cruise’s spazz attack about Katie Holmes on Oprah?
So, do you have stories of romance you want to share? Tips for the novice romantic? Angry rants about why love stinks? I want them all.
The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at www.sexytofu.com. Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog.
