The Lusty Vegan: On Homemade Porn

Image from t3.com

So this past week was our first full week with our new Lusty Vegan(s) Facebook page, where we have been throwing around some saucy topics, as well as current events like this new vegan sex shop, or how to veganize these penis shaped corn-dogs. One topic that was brought up was homemade porn, or HP. Celebs made these do-it-yourself projects trendy a few years back—everyone remember A Night in Paris? No? I’ll never forget her beau’s brilliant come-on: “LEMME SEE YO’ BEAVER.” I bet he is glad he shared that gold sex-nugget with the world. Three cheers for night vision!

But if you’ve ever considered your own amateur action, here are some general tips. No, not production tips or positions—I’ll let you guys figure that out.

Plan it. For some, the best part of the home video is the idea and anticipation of it. So take some time planning it out. Come up with a back story or some fun role playing ideas, and then go on a sex shop date and get costumes and props. Build up the heat and send naughty texts leading up to your big screen debut. And then, you don’t even have to film it if you don’t want. Half of the fun is the build-up before hand. Or you can go through with it—like I said, HALF of the fun is the build-up.

Don’t plan it. Some thrill-seekers get off on spontaneity, so in opposition to planning it out like I outlined above, spring a home-movie idea on your partner spur of the moment style. Come at them wielding a camera and nothing else—I doubt they will turn the adventure down.

Record without recording. Some sexhibitionists get off on exhibition alone—they don’t really care about the results. So feel empowered by letting the camera roll without actually recording anything. You will still feel in the spotlight, which gives you a rush of feel-sexy endorphins, but have the safety of not having any footage that could find its way onto the internet and ruin your future political campaign. Me? I plan on running for senator…

Capture and delete. For some, the sizzle factor is in the filming…watching it can backfire when you cringe at your O face or notice how many times your boyfriend looks up at the camera with his “yeahhhh, I’m on this” expression on. Yuck. And of course there are the nasty slapping noises, jiggling body parts and cellulite that are generally missing from most internet stuff. While it’s real, and real is way better, it could make you feel self conscious.

If you do make and keep your movie, make sure you have control of it so it doesn’t end up somewhere it shouldn’t…like I said…political campaign. Oh right, and family. Basically the No. 1 reason (not the only reason, but the No. 1) I could never be in the adult film industry is because I think about what my dad or older brother would think if they stumbled upon any of my smutty goods. That’s one of the questions I asked vegan porn star Kimora Klein when I interviewed her last year. It’s bad enough my dad reads my about my love of lube on the Internet.

Okay so how do you feel about HP? Stories? Suggestions? Go!

The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at www.sexytofu.com. Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog

 

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One Response to The Lusty Vegan: On Homemade Porn

  1. Andrew says:

    I’m all for HP. Haven’t made any – yet – but I’ve had some ideas. I think I would end up planning it. Spontaneity is great, but I tend to be a bit anal (not in that way, though), so I wouldn’t want to worry about details if it just sprang up.

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