Tuesday was National Orgasm Day. I hope you celebrated accordingly. In lieu of the holiday, Alex from our Lusty Vegan Facebook group posted an article addressing new statistics showing that men fake orgasms too.
The article gave me a slew of mixed feelings and perhaps a bit of high blood pressure. I’m glad men are copping to the fact that they, just like their ladypartners, fake orgasms. I wish, of course, that no one was faking orgasms and that everyone was having real orgasms all the time, but I also wish the entire men’s Water Polo Team woke me up every morning by coming into my bedroom and serving me up a steamy hot…er…latte. Not impossible, just a bit unrealistic. Damn.
The real faux-beef I had with the article was not the statistics exposed, but the tone of the writer, Peter Lloyd. He seems to believe that men have been trained by the media and culture to always put women’s satisfaction first.
“Finally, after years of programmes like Sex and the City claiming that a man’s duty is a woman’s sexual satisfaction (and never vice versa – after all, that would be sexist), men seem willing to admit that girls don’t always get it right either. ”
Hmm. Pick up any Cosmo or ladymag and you will be bombarded with titles like, How to Please Your Man, How to Give Great Head, or How to Get Your Guy Off and Fall Asleep Unsatisfied.
In direct opposition to what Lloyd, is saying, I believe women have been told by society and the media that it is their responsibility to get their man off, and to put their man’s pleasure before their own. Think about a stereotypical sex session. It (hopefully) started with a bit of foreplay and it ends…drumroll please…when the man comes.
Need another example? Women often go down on their dudes not as an appetizer but as the main course, taking them from start to finish.
How many guys go down on their girls until they come, not as foreplay but instead of traditional P in V? Some guys may go down on their girls just because, (I’m open to phone numbers here…) but it doesn’t occur nearly as often. If it did, I would have had a completely different high school experience.
Anyone who is a generous lover—regardless of their sex—understands sex should only end when both partners are satisfied, but unfortunately this is not how we’ve been brought up to view sex, and that is sad.
I don’t mean to knock the article too hard; I DO like what he is saying about the complexities of a man’s sexual experience.
“According to the wider world male sexuality is shallow and simple. A message which is dangerous for both genders,” Lloyd writes. Just as much of society has brought us to believe that the man’s orgasm is the be-all end-all, it has also portrayed men as these drooling, panting, leg humping heathens who always want sex, get hard at even the slight shadow of a ladynipple, and come Every.Single.Time.
This is obviously not true, and it’s a stereotype that puts pressure on male sexual performance. It makes men think there is something wrong with them if they are having trouble getting hard or reaching climax, and when a problem like this occurs, it makes the woman in the situation think not only is there something wrong with her man, but that there is something wrong with HER for being unable to turn him on.
It IS interesting men are faking orgasms, but women are still faking them much, much more.
According to the research, 1/3 of women say they never fake an orgasm. But ¼ say they do EVERY SINGLE TIME. 1/3 of men say they have faked orgasms. It didn’t mention how many do it every single time…So basically 2/3 of women ARE faking orgasms, and 2/3 of men AREN’T.
After reading the statistics, I started asking the men and women I know about their orgasm faking habits, not how often they do it, but why. Nearly all of the men had the same answer: If they have faked it, it was because they want the sex to be over, but don’t want the woman to scrutinize their manhood. And when I asked the ladies why they fake it? Because they want the sex to be over, but don’t want to bruise the man’s ego.
So yes both sexes are faking it, and I am sure there are a plethora of different reasons why, but the 22 people I asked all centered their answers around the male sexual experience. Now I understand my research was unreliably contained, and it was all in the same demographic (young professionals between 20 and 30) but it still is something to think about.
The article also highlights that it is time women understand they “don’t always get it right.” Of course we don’t. We’re human. If we did, then Cosmo wouldn’t exist anymore, and all those sexy self-help books women buy would be flops, because no one would need to research how to please their dude because we’re all getting it right all the time, every time. Please.
According to Lloyd, the research “might just re-distribute a sexual responsibility which men have single-handedly shouldered for far too long….In an age of erotic literacy, there’s no excuse for people not pulling their own sexual weight.”
Okay I don’t mean to be a total b*tch (yes I do), but I think that Lloyd’s entire attitude on sex here is so f*cking backward. Sex should be about pleasing each other, about WANTING to make someone else feel good, and a great sexual relationship is comprised of two people who are both equally interested in getting the other off. Sexual RESPECT. Not “pulling your own sexual weight.”
I pull my own weight when I help my dude do the dishes after he has cooked me a nice meal. Even if I don’t feel like doing the dishes, I do it because I don’t want to seem unappreciative. That is not how it should be in bed. I don’t say, oh man, you made me come I better do the same. Let me grumble through this fast so I can go watch HBO. It should be, wow you made me feel terrific. Let me go and make you feel terrific in return.
At the end of the article, Lloyd makes a sexy pun about coming:
“The sexual revolution certainly kick-started a change in how men and women have sex with each other. Now, thanks to this latest revelation, it might just have come full-circle.”
Our society is certainly more open about sex than it used to be, but we still have a very long way to go. On Wednesday, Maria Rodale wrote an article about how as a whole, our society still isn’t comfortable talking about sex, despite being so sexually focused. It’s a good read, and connects sex to football and religion.
“What is the opposite of suppression?” writes Rodale. “Expression. Our job is to explore and express our own sexuality in a healthy, accepting way and to teach our children to do the same.”
What these orgasm statistics really show is that when it comes to sex, our communication skills are still completely off. Instead of faking orgasms, we should be working together to create real ones, not to “pull our own weight,” but because pleasing our partners should be the main goal. If that is the main goal for BOTH of parties involved, then with open communication about what works for us, both can be satisfied. And as for open communication, we need to be comfortable telling our partner what we like and what we don’t, without fear of bruising egos. We need to get over ourselves. Let’s all respect what turns each other on and meet in the middle. A big, juicy O inducing middle. Now that would be a sexual revolution.
The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at www.sexytofu.com. Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog