One thing that, for me, takes a sexcapade from okay to ohhhhh ohhh ohkay is some well placed dirty talk. That’s the kind of stuff I chew on my bottom lip about later–not fancy positions or marathonesque sessions that make me walk funny for a few days, but snippets of steamy verbal interaction.
Not everyone likes dirty talk, and this is partially because we don’t know how to effectively work it into our sexual repertoire, and it makes us feel self conscious.
Looking back on it, most of the best sex I have ever had was with individuals who weren’t afraid to be verbal with what they want, and what they like. I can still remember a few well placed compliments and sexy little whispers, even years after the fact. It doesn’t always matter what was being said, so long as they were saying something. Once a guy I was dating said something to me in spanish. I don’t speak spanish, and he really doesn’t either, so for all I know he could have been telling me he likes to eat chicken for dinner, but it was really f*cking hot.
When done right, dirty talk can not only be exhilarating, but also an effective way to improve your sexual connection. Here is why:
1. Positive affirmations. Our society thrives on these–we all want to be praised, because deep down we’re all a bit narcissistic. From the shallow ego boosters like the number of hearts you received on your latest Instagram, to the more concrete, like praise from your boss on that project you’ve been busting ass on, we all like to be acknowledged. And there is no better time to stroke someone’s ego than when you’re, you know….stroking their ego. While sex is about making each other feel good physically, we also all want to feel like a bonafide (bonerfide?) sex ninja. Nobody wants to feel like an average lover. So when you say to your partner “mmmn, I love it when you take control like that,” they will get a little rush, and their confidence will sky-rocket, and you can bet that they will be doing it more often.
Bringing out the positive affirmations can also improve your sex life because you can literally tell your partner exactly what you like, and remain silent when they’re doing something that isn’t quite hitting the right spot. This type of “training the puppy” (awful, I know, I’m sorry!) really works. Why? If you utter a few well-placed “right there!” comments, well only a complete idiot would stop what they’re doing.
2. Communication. I have found that women especially thrive on this–outside of the bedroom, we are usually the talkers in the pair. I stereotypically ask my boyfriend what he is thinking all the time. Verbally communicating during sex shows that you’re there, you’re present, and you’re enjoying yourself–you’re not imagining Bradley Cooper or Sofia Vergara or your lab partner from college bio or whoever you like to fantasize about.
Still not comfy with the idea of dirty talk? Here are a few tips to acing your dirty talk without feeling like you’re in some cheesy 80s porno wearing American flag undies with your hair blown out.
Get over yourself. The biggest reason folks shy away from raunchy rapport is because they are afraid of sounding like a dumbass. The key to dirty talk is to say it when you’re both all worked up, so that just the sound of your voice will help take your partner over the edge, regardless of what you’re saying. Remember my ex who was speaking spanish? Seriously–I didn’t care what he was saying. It worked anyway.
Talk to yourself. When you’re on a solo mission, dirty talk yourself. You can do it in your head if you feel too ridiculous saying it aloud. But the key is to be in the practice of verbalizing your thoughts mid-gasm so you’re more comfortable doing it for an audience. To give yourself a boost of confidence, you can try to suck on a few key phrases in your head so when it’s time to pull em out for real you won’t be st-st-stuttering.
Fill in the blanks. An easy way to ace some very basic dirty talk is just to describe what you are doing, or what your partner is doing, and how you like it. “I love it when you ____ my ___. It feels so amazing when you _____.” If even that is a bit too explicit for you, a simple “you feel so good” can work. And if you want to get a bit more daring, then work on some nastier phrases, and throw a few four letter words in there for extra emphasis. I find this especially attractive in a partner who doesn’t normally cuss. When I don’t often hear them talk like that, a well placed “f*ck” makes me shiver in the best kind of way.
Be in the moment. I know I just wrote that you should practice your dirty talk a bit if it makes you nervous. This is true, but you need to keep in mind that good dirty talk is all about spontaneity–so no script writing beforehand. It will come off as rehearsed. You want your dirty talk to reflect your current sex-uation, so while it helps to have a few go-tos, they may not always be universal.
If you’re making sweet, sweet love to your girlfriend among the soft glow of candles and David Gray or whatever romantic shit gets your juices going, calling her your dirty little f*ck pet may send mixed messages. And if you’re having a hair-pulling, lip-biting quickie in the bathroom at your sister’s engagement party and you start telling your lady she is the love of your life, she may be sort of like “that’s nice honey now can you be a gentleman and give me a little reach around? I wanna finish this before they bust out the champagne.”
Don’t be intimidated by dirty talk. If you’re genuine in context and confident in delivery, you can’t go wrong. Oh, and sometimes it helps to get a little drunk first. Hello, liquid courage!
Okay, any funny dirty talk scenarios you want to share?
The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at www.sexytofu.com. Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog.