My Meatless Life: Mung Bean Kitchari & S**t I Should Know Better Than to Do

Procrastination is a mother. I literally just watched a Channing Tatum movie about motocross before writing this article. Channing Tatum! I have a problem and I think it’s because too many women I’ve dated like to read my blog, or be “all up in my business.” Truthfully, I knew this day would come when, because I like to talk, I will indeed talk myself right into a hole. Well f**k it.

I was attempting to use the ole’ under over (U/O). You know getting “under” someone to get “over” someone else. This is a risky strategy because it involves sleeping with someone you only kind of like. I want to acknowledge that this is as bad as it sounds. I learned it from my sister and this year I have used it. I guess the conventional term is a rebound but implies a relationship. Instead, the perfect U/O is never going to be available for a relationship. Maybe they are moving to another country, they’re too young, they’re too old or you could never take them around your friends. Like ever.

My U/O fits only one of these categories which was a bad sign because it’s good to have at least two or three of the above categories satisfied. If you remember, I wrote about the catalyst for this “experiment” a while ago. It was all good and casual until she nailed me with one phrase my shrink told me to look out for in a woman. She said “don’t date a woman unless she adores you and you her.” While Miss U/O didn’t use it as a verb, she did use it as a noun– “you’re adorable”–and I heard a ding while my head spun sharply to the side like the dude from Book of Mormon. Shit.

Shit is right. She even reminded me of “thee Ex.” Well, her good parts anyway. What I’m saying is I knew we shouldn’t go past the friend line. I even said so. But I have no will power and poor boundaries (around some women) soooo… that was pretty much a non-starter. I then had to rapidly accelerate plans for LA, exercising the aforementioned quality, and creating an emotional cloud of confusion thicker than the dust bowl.  Oh yes, and the infamous truth pact came up with the ex. “Whatever” I tell her about Miss U/O and now we “need to talk.” Awesome.

So let’s recap:

1. 100% of Channing Tatum movies are dumb.

2. Never employ U/O unless you are hitting three and up on the qualifier.

3. Never agree to a truth pact.

Have some grounding Kitchari and let me think about this.

Mung Bean Kitchari

1 cup mung beans, soaked 2 hours or overnight
1 tablespoon fresh basil, minced
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
2 tablespoons olive oil
sea salt

Step one: In a large pot boil 5 cups water and mung beans until they are soft and split open, approximately 30-45 minutes.
Step Two: Add basil, yeast and olive oil to pot. Salt to taste.

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