I feel like joining the mile high club is something that might be cooler in your imagination than in real life, like that time you got to fuck a B-list a celebrity, which you thought would be awesome, but instead they just looked at themselves in the mirror the whole time. Fantasizing about it was better.
Here is the anxious girl’s guide to having sex on a plane. Sort of. Because sex is the only other option when the airline is charging you 4 dollars to watch a shitty movie. Fuck you, Hawaiian Air.
1. Put down the book you’re reading and casually begin rubbing your boyfriend’s junk. Casually, I said.
2. Once he is half-masting, whisper in his ear to meet you in the bathroom in 2 minutes.
3. Go to the bathroom and wait 2 minutes. As you wait, begin to get anxious.
4. When there is a knock on the door, yell WHO IS IT, even though you know it’s your boyfriend because who else is going to knock when the sign on the door says OCCUPIED?
5. Let your boyfriend in and begin to make out.
6. Try to crunch yourself info a few weird positions (over the toilet? Over the sink?) in the miniscule space.
7. Think about how hot this is. Think about all of the people on the plane who wish THEY were having sex in the bathroom but instead are reading Hana Hou.
8. Continue to think about all of the people on the plane. Do they have to use the bathroom? Are they currently waiting outside the bathroom? When you open the door, all satisfied and smug and messy-haired, will there be a line outside? Will everyone be mad because they have to pee? Will they judge you? Will they take a look at your adult acne and knobby elbows, and then look at your boyfriend’s blue eyed dimpled goodness, and make all sorts of nasty assumptions about how he is only dating you because you’re the type of girl who has sex in a plane bathroom? Will you have to open the door and shout “I HAVE A REALLY GOOD PERSONALITY!” ?
9. Push your boyfriend, now fully hard, off of you. Force him–confused–back out of the bathroom.
10. Hyperventilate in the small space for a few minutes. Wonder why they still build planes with ashtrays in the door even though you’re no longer allowed to smoke on board.
11. Exit the bathroom. Be thankful no one is waiting. Glance sheepishly at the flight attendant.
12. Return to your seat. Apologize to your boyfriend, and begin to read your book again.
13. Place both of the cheap plane blankets over your laps. BOTH, I said. This is key.
14. Slide your hand over to your boyfriend’s lap and again start to subtly fondle him, again. He should be sitting with his knees up, so he is creating a very clever tent, underneath which you can molest him undetected.
15. Once he is good and hard, slowly unbuckle his belt with ninja stealth skills. The key to doing this unnoticed is to 1.move very slowly and 2. pretend you’re either reading or sleeping the entire time so no one around you suspects anything.
16. Stroke stroke stroke.
17. Start to feel guilty that you borrowed the book you’re reading from a girlfriend. You currently have their book in one hand, and your boyfriend’s dick in the other. You will have to return this book to them next week, and you will feel very guilty.
18. Put down the book and drape your head on your boyfriend’s shoulder. Close your eyes so it looks like you’re sleeping. (You’re still stroking! Never stop stroking!)
19. “Sleepily” nuzzle his left pec like you’re snuggling up for a nap. Draw the blanket up to your chin. Draw it up over your mouth and sneakily spit in your hand. Use this spit puddle to finish him off.
20. When he tells you he is going to come (yay!) cup your hand over him and catch it, like a pro.
21. Deposit the load in the lower blanket. This is why you used TWO blankets! You see, it all connects. You premeditated this plot point way back! You’re like the J.K. Rowling of hand jobs! Slowly–slower!–remove the spunked, bottom-layer blanket from his lap, ball it up, and put it on the floor, while leaving the top, clean, fresh blanket to hide the fact that his pants are unbuttoned. He can deal with that. Your job is done now.
22. Deliver a well-timed “You’re welcome.”
23. Pretend to be horrified when your boyfriend calls you Houdini Hand Job for the rest of the week.
24. Be genuinely horrified when your mother’s partner overhears this nickname.
Zoe Eisenberg is mixing sex and anxiety on Twitter @sexytofublog.