Some foods look like male genitalia. And some kitchen appliances could be misused as torture devices for male genitalia. That’s the joke. Okay, maybe it’s not so much a joke as an idle threat. Not many people know this, but if you listen to the rare, elusive, but totally “exists in real life” original version of country singer and vegan, Carrie Underwood’s, “Before He Cheats” she actually references using a spiralizer on the unfaithful member (of her soon to be ex’s body). The original lyrics were just too graphic for radio so the patriarchal record label changed them to something more kid-friendly, e.g. keying his car.
|This is what a spiralizer looks like. If you want to make some zucchini pasta and/or actively seeking revenge, buy one here!|
Unsurprisingly, this censorship is due to “The Man” trying to keep the zucchini down. The most underrated phallus-resembling food is the zucchini. Bananas, however, get all the recognition and dirty jokes. The yellow crescents, known internationally for their condom modeling skills, strut their stuff in Sex Ed classes the world over. Like their latex overcoats, they’re cheap and durable, so I understand that whoever came up with the comparison was going for a cohesive message. No matter how you slice or dice them, bananas have always come out a-head.
Yet, mere tradition doesn’t change the fact that the US school system should erect the zucchini as its designated penis resembling food. They can circumscribe the subject all they want, even outlaw safe sex education in some states, but they cannot change the reality the American public sees every day in their local grocery stores.
What I’m trying to say is, you’re never going to look at a zucchini the same way again. I’ve ruined it for you. Now, every time you spy one in the produce section, you’re going to blush, pretend to look away, feel guilty like you did in the good ole days of Sex Ed, but then fondly remember your first time. So yeah, your pleasant stroll down memory lane is courtesy of me. Alternatively, if you’ve yet to experience carnal pleasure, I’ve messed you up for life. I recommend not bringing up the zucchini resemblance during your first time, or second, third, or any time ever for that matter.
Incidentally, this also means you’re never going to look at spiralizers as the innocent veggie pasta making contraptions they are. They will always have the possibility of being used as a torture device if a man (and I mean any man, not necessarily a lover, just a general foe will suffice) crosses you. Shakespeare said “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” but I believe the statement should be amended to say, “Hell hath no fury like a vegan scorned and armed with a spiralizer.”
Whether you’re a male or female reading this, your life is basically over now so let’s just get to the recipe.
Lindsay’s “If You Have a Big One, You Don’t Need a Small One” Zucchini Pasta
- 1 spiralizer
- 1 1/2 large zucchini or 3 small ones
- 1 1/2 cups cauliflower, chopped into small florets
- 1/4 tsp garlic powder
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 2 cups milk of choice (I used unsweetened plain almond milk.)
- 1/2 cup nutritional yeast
- 1/2 tbsp dried oregano
- 1/2 tbsp dried basil
- 8 oz sliced mushrooms
- 1/2 cup frozen peas, or more depending on your taste
- Broccoli, spinach, kale, or any other veggies you want to mix into the meal
I don’t have faith in my spiralizer use description skills because I’m just going to keep mentioning how it’s like an old-timey crank and aren’t old-timey cranks so cool? We should have more things powered by old-timey cranks these days. So, to save you from that tangent, you can just watch this video to learn the secret method of the spiralizer society.
First, chop up the cauliflower in small florets and measure out a cup and a half.
Then, put the sauce in a blender/food processor or use an immersion blender and blend until smooth. If you use an immersion blender, do your best not to shower yourself with hot, cheesy drops of death.
Add the mushrooms and peas to the sauce, stir, and then pour desired amount over zucchini pasta.
This recipe makes enough for two people or one really hungry person who doesn’t care about being judged because she is an independent woman who doesn’t need a man, just a spiralizer.
If you liked this and want more ramblings and recipes, check out ruderabbitfood.blogspot.com.