“Well, you write about food and sex so I figured…” they said, trailing off.
As soon as I got home, I took to the internet to rustle up said video that supposedly involves sex with a grapefruit.
Behold, the grapefruit video, in which sexpert “Auntie Angel” teaches viewers how to “grape fruit your man,” a technique that involves cutting a hole in a grapefruit and getting your dude off with it. According to Angel in this Vice article, the technique is so good it could kill you. Death by grapefruiting!
Yes, this is a real thing. According to Auntie Angel, grapefruiting feels as if you’re getting head and having sex at the same time. Inttteresting. Okay, watch the video and wait for the best part – the sound effects!
In addition to the hoover noises, Angel gives good grapefruiting tips, like making sure the grapefruit is room temp, making sure you cut the hole the right size, and that your man is blindfolded before you get to fruit screwing.
After I watched the video (don’t forget to read the comments!), I couldn’t help but wonder if my manfriend would like it. He had been there when our friend told us about the video, and we watched it together, so I figured maybe…
I went out and got a bag of grapefruits. My man and I sat around and stared at them for a week. One night, I even went down to the kitchen and picked one up, gesturing to him playfully. But you guys, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to do my dude with a grapefruit. I mean, the whole catch-phrase of my blog SexyTofu is “Sex and vegetables, not sex with vegetables,” and although a grapefruit is a fruit, not a veggie, it felt pretty damned close. I just felt so absolutely ridiculous and unsexy bringing that fruit to bed I could not do it. Sigh..
Luckily, I have at least a couple of friends, one of whom was able to coerce her boyfriend to partake. This friend asked her manfriend if he was up for it before she went grapefruit shopping, which seems considerate, but in actuality may have derailed the whole project. Since he knew what was coming (ha!), he gave less than stellar reviews. Mostly, that citrus juice kept dripping all over the place, that it was messy, that he couldn’t take it seriously, and that he couldn’t finish.
From my super scientific research, I have come to the conclusion that grapefruiting is only fun when it’s a surprise grapefruiting. When your man knows what citrusy surprise is awaiting him, the veil of illusion is lifted.
Still, I wonder the reaction of a formerly blindfolded man who just received what he thinks is the best blowie ever, only to remove his blindfold to a piece of fucking fruit. Maybe not too happy? So should you hide the fruit back under the bed and never speak of it? And—here’s another thought—what do you do with the grapefruit when you’re finished?
Whether you ask your partner first, or have a big reveal after you’re done grapefruiting, nothing is going to change the fact that from then on, you’re always going to be the girl who fucked them with a grapefruit…