
"I mean, I basically call my mom every 45 minutes. She picked out my tie."
By Zoe Eisenberg
While out with friends last weekend, a guy started chatting up my room-mate at the bar. She was pretty intoxicated, so I hovered nearby playing the role of over-bearing friend. I know guys hate this; they have to pretend to be nice to me while secretly wishing I would leave them the eff alone so that my drunk room-mate would accept their offer of a drive home without me steering her chardonnay-infused 6-inch heeled self in the other direction, safely away from a seedy back-seat and a chloroform rag.
This Jersey Shoremonger kept bothering my roomie about a ride home (he even made a joke about the chloroform). Poor thing kept saying, “I have to leave with my room-mate,” pointing to me. I could tell she was interested enough not to tell the guy to bugger off, but not interested enough to leave with him. Finally I interjected, “You could just ask for her phone number and oh, I don’t know, take her to dinner or something.”
Oh, that bar rodent loathed me by then. They exchanged numbers and we left him to his buddies, and I’m sure the first thing out of his mouth was “that other girl was a c*ck blocking troglodyte lesbian.” I get that a lot.
My room-mate is newly single, and excited to get into the adult dating world. Not college dating—watching movies on dorm-room futons. Not my most recent style of dating—un-friend-zoning your best friend so that you can make out and still make fart jokes. Adult dating—an awkward occurrence beginning with nausea and sweaty palms, moving forward with dinner and drinks and ending with awkward Are-You-Gonna-Kiss-Me, Am-I-Drunk-Enough-To-Go-Home-With-You moments.
So here is a short, loose list of first date etiquette:
1. Don’t talk about your exes. If it does come up and you can’t skirt around it without seeming shady, only say positive things. Even if your ex was the biggest asshat ever, if you immediately mention that he beat you or she slept with your co-worker at your birthday party, you will seem bitter. Save that for the two month mark, when a sweet pillow-talk session suddenly morphs into a rant about your commitment issues faster than Optimus Prime.
2. Don’t flaunt your weirdness too much. Mention enough to show your unique personality, but not to scare anyone off. For instance, I don’t tell anyone that I write about sex when I first meet them. I find they either assume 1) they don’t want to date or sleep with me because if I write about sex, I must be easy; or 2) they DO want to sleep with me because if I write about sex I must be easy. I am not sure which one is worse. So mention you love dogs, but maybe not that you have 7 sweater-wearing daschunds back at your one bedroom eagerly awaiting your return. Save that until later, when it will just be a lovable quirk, but won’t turn your code-name into “dog girl” between your date and his friends.
3. Don’t make any “rules” beforehand. I know you’re thinking that that is a bit backwards, because here I am laying out rules right now. I am talking about those “No Kissing On First Date” rules, rules about who should pay, if you should go home together, etc. I feel like they make you even more anxious than normal. Just go, and have a good time. Remember not to over-share too much or trash-talk your ex. Don’t trash-talk anyone for that matter; negativity isn’t attractive.
When I was single and dating last summer, I had a favorite sushi place I liked to take my dates. Mostly I like to go there because I have an addiction to sweet potato tempura rolls and mango avocado rolls. But also I like to bring dates there because the atmosphere is so terrible. There are TVs on every single wall. Why do I want to bring my dates there? Because they had to make a serious effort to pay attention to me. It was incredibly easy for them to just watch the television on the wall on either side of me; they had to try hard to maintain conversation. And so did I!
What about you? Any fun first date stories? Stories about being that friend who is constantly c*ck blocking creepers at the bar? I wanna know!
The Lusty Vegan is a lifestyle and sex column focusing on living and loving as a twenty-something year old vegan. More rants from Zoe Eisenberg can be found at www.sexytofu.com. Follow her on Twitter @Sexytofublog.